Wake up or don’t wake

This last week.  I don’t know how to explain… I had so much fun with my friend but at the same time there was exam period for me. I don’t know if that’s the right combination.

Well, first about my exams. I know I definitely failed two of them.. But I already know I passed my complex number exam, and I Just hope I have also passed my geometry proving exam. I just want to know the grade already. Can you imagine, it’s such a pain to wait so long, even though I understand. I mean, teachers need time to check exams, and they have to discuss things about them sometimes as well.

But now my week. I definitely slept too less. I think my average sleep was around 4-5 hours a night. It was just too much fun. I mean, take last Tuesday on Wednesday night. Me and my friend stayed up till 4 am my time, so 3 am his time, just talking. It’s insane how fast time can go, but also how fun it can be with. And it wasn’t that we realised what we were doing. It was more talking and joking and such. Snapchatting and laughing about pictures or just different.

And then also memorable was the night from Friday on Saturday. I mean, I already got home late myself because I was seeing a movie with my best friend, and I got home around 23.40. Then I got a question “Wanna play league?” And I was up for it as well. So me and my friend basically played league till 3 am. First we just played with the two of us, and totally wreckt but still lost because our team members were so bad. The second and third game we actually got company from one of my friend’s friends. But we never actually moved our call to the server, so it was just the two of us in a call.

I must say that was quite nice, that his friend couldn’t join in our call. I mean, it’s not like I hate him or so, but sometimes it’s just enough. You don’t know how frustrated I sometimes get by just reading or even scrolling through the server. All the memes, they are so much. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s funny also, but when I’m just done with it, everything could be too much.

Then after we were done gaming, we just hanged out. At first I even said I’d only play one game, but it already ended up being 3. Then I decided I can stay up a little bit longer to talk, why not. That little bit ended up being till 6 am. I don’t even know why I didn’t go to sleep, I don’t remember half of the talk we had. It was as I was half asleep sometimes, but at the same time not.

Jay even noticed I wasn’t really talking that much, which I usually do. It’s like this, I usually don’t stop talking unless told to. But that time I was just so tired, that I just didn’t talk that much anymore. I told my friend that he should talk then. And it was only then I laughed because he’s not a talker but he realised that it was quite difficult to actually talk that much.

A while later we ended up Snapchatting again. And even though we usually have a conversation on Snapchat, that day it was just gone, we were just sending pictures to each other, and I was just laying down in bed while doing that.

At some point though, I got a Snap and I just couldn’t stop laughing. I literary put my head in my pillow for a bit so I wouldn’t make too much noise. I think what I could say about the picture was that it was a risky Snap from Jay’s side, and I even heard debating him in the call with himself and maybe sort of to me, whether he should or shouldn’t sent it. Yet I just never really gave a response to that.

A short amount of time later, I got like dam, I can’t even explain, that Snapchat, it was the.. I don’t know how to say it. I guess it was very risky, but at the same time I knew, I just knew he’d sent that at some point. Because that’s how he is. I guess first he was like you’re going to hate me when I sent this, but I told him, no I won’t. And it’s true, I don’t hate him, I mean, how can you love and hate someone at the same time, for me it’s impossible unless the person is called Coon, my bro.

But my reaction to that Snapchat. I just hide my face into my pillow and SaraBeer, my teddy bear. I was just laughing in my pillow for so long and I was just hiding in my blanket fortress because I don’t know, I really didn’t know what to do with it. I became so silent Jay even asked if I was alright at some point. Which I half laughing responded to, but I said I was hiding in my blanket fortress. On which Jay responded, “You are not gonna do that every time I sent you something like this, are you?”

That picture, it made me, I don’t even know, I guess it made me happy? Because I got shared something well.. something. Something I was actually curious about but something I’d NEVER ask for because well, yeah I’m still Star and a little bit innocent I guess. Well, more innocent than Jay is, ahaha.

But that Saturday, I just couldn’t focus my mind at all. Even with bringing around flyers, my mind was still to the conversation we had, referring to the last part. And yet, while I usually am daydreaming while bringing around the flyers, that was just a not-done that day, simply because my mind would make up the most stupid things, or picture that Snapchat again when I just closed my eyes.

Luckily Sunday I was actually able to concentrate and finish both two of my school projects. I still don’t know what to do with my fucked up mind though. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to think of it at all. Should I even think something about it. Or should I be honoured I got to face such thing. I really don’t know. But I guess it takes trust or whatever to send that. Maybe proudness, I don’t know, I really don’t….

Maybe sometimes I’ll know, sometimes whenever that might be. Sometimes when I am ready to know, or when I want to know, sometimes when it feels alright to actually think something about it. And to be completely honest, I just think back on it as a happy moment. I was having fun, and laughing so much, I don’t know. It’s not like I’d hate Jay ever. I don’t get why he’d even think I would. Simply because I love that silly person. (And my silly is something good J)

can’t break a broken heart

I was talking to my friend just ago, I have known him for around 3 years now, and he’s one other person I used to talk to a lot. We get in touch every now and then, and we play league together sometimes, but we mostly use league to get in touch and acutally talk. He asked me about my status today, and as I said long story, I was glad I could talk to him, I could get some things cropped inside me out. So my friend lets call him Deth, as he has a thing with dead and he’s fascinated about it.
(for what you should know about this conversation, it starts with a commend about my status which is: “can’t break a broken heart”)

Deth:
why do you have such an edgy quote on your status?
Me:
long story
Deth:
Wanna talk? Im here if you need it
Me:
neh I talked it out
Deth:
fair enough
Me:
comes down on boys are idiots
Deth:
umm
Me:
xD
Deth:
dafuq did I do? 😛
Me:
nothing
but basicly. there is a guy even more stupid than muddy\

(Muddy is one of our friends, I used to go out with him, which lasted around a year? we talked and talked and joked around and everything, yet he broke up with me because distance and we were never gonna meet anyways)

Deth:
dated him too?
Me:
aye most stupid reason “can’t have a relationship with you because I am not ready for one
LIKE WTH WHAT A BS
Deth:
how was the relationship before?
before he said that?
Me:
his was my bf for like 3-4 weeks then that
Deth:
oh, it wasnt too long then
but I mean
was it good? was everying ok during that time?
Me:
we had been fliritng ever since we got in touch better
so turning around each other for like 7 months?
Deth:
alright
that does sound pretty weird after all that he’d say he isnt ready
did the 3-4 weeks feel better or worse compared to that?
Me:
well he’s dealing with personal shit, and really those 3-4 weeks I was so super mega happy
Deth:
he was dealing with it during the weeks you were together?
Me:
yes
Deth:
do you think its possible he just needs time alone for a while?
Me:
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love him, still do I guess sorta, but I know I can’t hope for anything cuz that’s what he told me
Deth:
hm
Me:
And it’s just shit

Deth:
You said he just wasnt ready?
he might come back eventually and be willing to start again
Me:
Its his personal issue, I don’t know the reason, but he said he’d probarbly never be in a relationship again
I dont know
I said, I can wait
but he said you shouldn’t hope on that
Deth:
ouch
if he said that then
I feel like there may be more to it than that
theres more to it than what hes telling you
Me:
I KNOW THERE IS MORE THAN THAT
Yes
I know
I fucking know
and it kills me
cuz I know he doesn’t want to tell
Deth:
so thats the main problem
Me:
And I respect that
Deth:
do you want me to be bluntly honest?
Me:
go ahead
please
Deth:
I really feel that he said he wasnt ready to stop you from being as upset, he then said dont hope for it or w/e so you wont cling onto him, and that his real reason is either he just dosent love you
or he founds someone else
but again, I dont know him so I cant be certain
Me:
You know, that’s so funny, I know he loves me
cuz
he was crying when he told me we shouldn’t be in a relationship
Deth:
I feel like you shouldve mentioned that part a bit earlier…
Me:
sry XD
details
I’ve not told anyone that tbh
Deth:
thats fair enough
that does change a few things
Me:
As in?
Deth:
it could be that he feels terrible for breaking up with you for the reasons I mentioned
Me:
mmhm
Deth:
or
It could be a forced reason
you said there was personal shit too right?
Me:
yes
Deth:
Its possible hes being forced into breaking up with you
Me:
but then by who
Deth:
how old is he?
Me:
nearly 19
living in UK btw xd
I’ll be visiting him during summer
as friends
Deth:
cool
Me:
yeah
Deth:
Visit me too 😛
Me:
can;t
you know through how many shit I went
just to let my parents be fine with visiting
Deth:
fair enough
you know
we need to get a proper meet up with the marriland lot
Me:
lol
Deth:
thatd be great
Me:
xd
guy is from marr originally XD
Deth:
wait
who?
Me:
nope
personal information
I’m not sharing
Deth:
did I know him atleast?
Me:
not gonna anwser that either
Deth:
._.
Me:
anways why did you want to know his age
Deth:
well, I was thinking maybe it was a parent thing
but I guess not
Me:
neh
his mum is awesome
talked to her on the phone like like 2 min once
You know,
I just don;t know what to do with it
Deth:
If I were to put myself in his position…
Im in the position that you were in
or more so what he was in
Maybe he just wasnt ready for the long distance?
because trust me I find it painful
Me:
I guess, but
then again we snapchat like 24/7 xd
Deth:
youve got no one to hold and no one you can share things with
Me:
You can share things by voice call, you can feel the emotion over that,
But I guess
looking at it from your perspective
Deth:
not anything physical
Me:
that’s a boy thing
Deth:
and thats only half of it
half of the whole relationship thing I mean
Me:
Go on
yeah
Deth:
because really
we all fell in love with some pixels or some sound coming out of our speakers
theres a person on the otherside but we cant experience it fully

Me:
You know you’re really depressing right now
Deth:
Im depressing myself trying to talk about this
Me:
I can imagine
Deth:
because im going through all my thoughts with you
Me:
Thank you
Deth:
this is how I feel about my own relationship
and I feel like it can apply to your’s too
Me:
Then go visit your gf
Deth:
Japan…
Me:
I guess so
rip
at least the UK is close
Deth:
funny thing though
I call her Kat for short too 😛
Me:
LMAO
Deth:
just an odd coincidence
Me:
what’s wrong with you
xd
I guess, only 4 months till I will see my friend
Deth:
I have a while ago
she’s visitng me eventually
Me:
That’s awesome
Deth:
but theres the saving up part
Me:
yup

Deth:
anyway, my guess for you
Me:
I got my parents so far they pay for my travelling
🙂
Deth:
I think itll get better once you meet up with him in person
Me:
I really don’t know
I really really don’t
I wish I did
Deth: (about his gf)
Because the one thing I want to truly make me happy
is to actually be with her
and I cant be until that happens
Me:
aww
Yeah
Deth
you still talk to him?
Me:
Except the fact I get my joy and happiness from small stuff
I never stopped talking to him
I was mad yeah
for sure
Deth:
good, dont
Me:
but
I will never
He’s one of the best friends I currently have
Deth: (about his gf)
something that happened
with me
I broke up with Kat for a bit because of the reasons I just said and that it pained me to get too attatched to her
but then I realised I needed her
Me: (about my friend)
And although we might not talk every day I still love him, I enjoy the conversations we have so much, I can talk to him about funny stuf, but also about the shit I’m going through myself. And that
it what makes me most happy. Being able to talk to him every time I would want to
Deth:
yea, thats what makes it nice
just make sure you dont lose him
Me:
I know he’d respond, whether it takes 1 minute of 2h cuz anime
I’m not planning to
But sometimes I just can’t handle it
Then I just sit by myself hugging by teddybear
Deth:
yea I get that
Me:
It’s depressing
Every time I find something I long for, it gets taken away from me
Deth:
Im like you in a way, and possibly like him in others
Me:
Who knows
Deth:
as long as it dosent turn out to be a dude, I think ive found the person im looking for
I dont expect it to be tho
Me:
that’s awesome
I wish I could say the same
It’s so much annoying though >C
I’m already dealing with personal shit, and then dealing with this on top of that
While I’m supposed to study and pass exams and look fine for the outside world.
………..
Skipped a part here because it’s irrelevant. 

Deth:

Anyways
You talking to him now?
Me:
He’s at work
Deth:
Ah
Me:
we snapchat back and forth during the day tho
Deth:
Let’s learn about eachothers people 😛
Me:
😛
Deth:
So yeaa
What’s he like? 😛
Me: (about my friend)
He’s funny
has a good sense of humor
loves anime
But
Even though you can joke around with him
he’s serious on the right times
He listens to you
he gives me advise over things I strugge with
Deth:
That’s fair enough
Me:
I doesn’t tells me to shut up, even though I talk quite a lot
*sigh*
Deth:
That’s a first probably :p
Does he play league?
Me:
a first what?
aye
Deth
When do I meet him? 😛
17:37
~Skipped a part about him talking about his gf~
Deth:
She treated me much nicer than most
We started talking more and more
And here we are sexting on a daily basis :p
Me:
lmao
~Skipped a part here~
Me: (about the sexting)
haha dw about it
me and him did a sorta like thing XD
Deth:
I’m definitely not someone who can judge xD
Me:
XD
GOOD
Deth:
Send nudes? 😛
Me:
lmao
Deth:
I mean did one of you?
Idek
I tried asking for them but got rejected af
Me:
LMAO
Poor you
Deth:
Yea :c
Me:
lucky me
very much lucky me
Deth:
Wait you got nudes?
Me:
XD
Deth:
Wow
Lucky you

So basicly, this conversation today, it made me sad, I mean, what my friend suggested it made sense? Well in the context it did. But I am certain that my friend told me the truth no doubt about it. But hearing my friend say this made me doubt and I just sort of found peace with myself because of it? I don’t know what to do with it anymore…
I guess my mind is lost, forever or never I don;t know at all..

Only time will tell, please tell me am I right, am I supposed to have faith, since I have or am I just stupid and is Deth right, I’m having faith in my Brittish friend (mentioned as friend in the above) I don’t know what to do with it, I can’t keep it out my mind, it’s bothering me and I don;t know…..

h
e
l
p

Guess it’s settled

So yeah, I’ve had such a busy week, incredible. I did things for 8 days nonstop. No wonder I was so tired I fell asleep every time I got home.. And then yet still not being able to sleep at night lol, feels bad for me. But in the end I survived it. Simply because I like being busy, yeah, being busy is amazing. I can’t really describe it, I just love it. It clears my mind.

So guess what, yup, I’ll be visiting my Brittish friend in England. I’m excited for it haha. I definitely am! We’re gonna watch a great movie, my friend is actually waiting to watch it so we can watch it together, which is cute. <Don’t tell him I said that> I don’t really know what else we’re gonna do. I’m planning on bringing my ds so we can at least do some gaming, maybe playing on the wii U as well. I dunno, guess we’ll see.

Remember I was pissed off about my friend. Well, last week I figured it out. I can deal with it for now. Doesn’t mean I’m still hurt from the inside. But I can see the bright side. Things are easy. They are clear for me, maybe not for others, but they are for me.

It’s not impossible to see you know. I’m just friendzoned, yeah I think I can call it that haha. You know, I’m fine with it. <still dieing from the inside> well, I should say, my mind is fine with it. My reasoning is fine with it. I mean, my friend, he already past the part of my idea that he’s just a regular friend. He’s past the part he’s a close friend, but then again also not. I mean, I dunno how, but that Brittish guy somehow managed to pull pass walls, walls only Pengi was ever able to reach. Because she is amazing.

So basicly, what I’m trying say, what my mind says me. Yes, I’ll come to England. I’ll have fun, I’ll see a person I concider my best friend I have online currently. It is fun. I love talking to him, laughing and anything. I don’t know, I just do. So I definitely know I got a great friend.

For me, my mind and my logical thinking it’s settled. I can only move forward. I can only be the person I am with my friends. So everyone who is a part of that is lucky. And it’s a small circle, just this friend, Pengi, Coon, Yogi a little bit, but that is it for now.

Yet there are other people I care about. But I don’t really trust them as I do with those 4. Especially not the way I trust Pengi and my Brittish friend. Those 2 and also Coon, have seen me on my worst, and on my best. I know Pengi me on my worst, and she just accepted it without questions.

I think my Brittish friend is the same. I mean, he managed to listen to a conversation I had with my mum in Dutch, so totally not understandable, just because I was talking to him earlier on. I guess that’s trust, keeping up with this. That’s when I decided this friend is totally worth it. No matter what comes from it, he has a place in my heart. A friendship I’ll never forget, no matter how it ends.

I think that’s the most valuable thing for me right now. That I’m able to count on those important persons in my life. That they are here when I need them. That they give me advise, yell at me, but mainly make me laugh with funny pictures on Snapchat or just my love-hate bro-sis relation with Coon. It’s how I live, it’s my life, it’s busy, it’s good. And I love it.

Thanks Bro for letting me rage

Coon and Yogi are the best. Well, actually only Coon, just for letting me rage, and not questioning everything. Just think about it, Yogi gave me shitty advise, in my opinion at least. But maybe he is right maybe not. I’ll note Coon’s convo with me first, because he just made me cry and actually put my feelings down.

 

Stralend – gisteren om 23:03
sry for being so shitty btw, long story short, bf broke up cuz he’s dealing with shit

And I can fucking understand it AND I FUCKING WANT TO HELP AND I DON”T CARE CUZ I LOVE HIM BUT NOPE

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:04
figured that out

Stralend – gisteren om 23:04
good

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:04
from the mood swings and the lack of not mentioning him

its ok im just being an ass x.x

Stralend – gisteren om 23:04
it’s fine

I’m just so sad

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:05
thought maybe it would help <_< ya know send that rage at me and stuff

Stralend – gisteren om 23:05
I mean, I know he probarbly loves me, that’s the hardest part, and I get what he means and that he is not ready BUT I FUCKING DON”T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT

I WANT TO BE HAPPY
BUT EVERY TIME
EVERY TIME SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS
TO ME
WITHINT THE SLIGHTEST MOMENT
IT’S DESTROYED
NO MATTER WHAT I DO
ALWAYS ME
cries
How hard is it for the world to let me happy
I live for my friends, Jay isn’t rid of me, no we’re still friends. I’ll support him cuz that’s how I am,
It’s so hard, because I FUCKING KNOW HE IS RIGHT,
I want him to be happy over everything.
BUT NO
;-;
I can’t help him
He knows I will always be there for him, no matter what, I fucking will hide my feelings. never letting go
Isn’t it mean life never gives me good shit
;-;
I found a person that understood me and saw how I was,
But I just see him go through shit
And I can’t help
And thats killing me
Not being able to help the person you love
I can only watch from the side
AND JUST ARGGGGHHH

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:09
lol

-hug-

Stralend – gisteren om 23:10
thanks >.<

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:10
funny because thats how everyone feels about their love ones

XD being helpless while they struggle going through shit

Stralend – gisteren om 23:10
The sad part is

I know exactely what he’s going thruogh
Because I’ve been in a similar situation myself
But Pengi dragged me out of it. I don’t know how she did it. But she did

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:11
lol

well just wait on the sideline and be there ;o all you can reallydo

Stralend – gisteren om 23:11
I was at the point I’d had the idea just killing myself, or running away

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:12
:^) same

except running away
too much work

Stralend – gisteren om 23:12
I’d have probarbly pull off the running away if it wasn’t for Pengi

I had a whole plan
taking a tent with me
and everything
She’s the only reason I stayed
And she doesn’t know

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:13
wow

so fuck me right
>:/ dont say you didnt know me

Stralend – gisteren om 23:13
lmao

I didn’t

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:13
I WAS IN YOUR HEART ALREADY

AND DREAMS
YOU KNEW ME
;W;

Stralend – gisteren om 23:13
;-;

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:13
</3

Stralend – gisteren om 23:13

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:13
LOL

Stralend – gisteren om 23:13
Maybe I did

who knows

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:13
😛 doubt

Stralend – gisteren om 23:13
We’ll never know

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:13
<_< mmhmmm

-_- im watching you

Stralend – gisteren om 23:14
I know you are

I’m grateful for you having my back 😛

The Dark Coon – gisteren om 23:14
wtf

o.o who said i had your back
maybe like your left ankle or  or wrist
<_<

Stralend – gisteren om 23:14
fine >_>

Coon, he just knows what I needed to do. It’s amazing. He doesn’t show it, but he is amazing. Supporting me and “hating” on me whenever he wants to, from the most random times, and the most hateful arguements we have. Yeah, we argued a lot, more than I actually argued with my sister the past 2 years. It’s insane. But yeah, I have weird friends like that.
Yogi on the other side, he just wants to give a piece of advise, but sometimes, I dunno. He doesn’t know that much, sometimes I even think he’s very much wrong so, I just have the feeling I don’t know the real Yogi sometimes. I never even got a respond on the last thing I responded, I dunno what to think of it..

Stralend – gisteren om 15:52
Call me when you see this

YogiMC1 – gisteren om 17:41
What

Stralend – gisteren om 18:03
I am so fucking sad

YogiMC1 – gisteren om 18:03
Why

Stralend – gisteren om 18:03
Jay decided he couldn’t handle a relationship yet even thought he could. And more reasons I’m aware off

And I know he’s right, and it kills me from the inside.

YogiMC1 – gisteren om 18:04
It will be ok atleast he’s not dating someone else after saying that

Stralend – gisteren om 18:04
STILL

I’m not OK RIGHT NOW

YogiMC1 – gisteren om 18:05
You better than most people

Stralend – gisteren om 18:05
what you mean

Jay was crying himself cuz he just I dunno, when he told me. And I’m just destroyed from the inside right now.

YogiMC1 – gisteren om 18:06
Y’all will get through this

Stralend – gisteren om 18:06
Yogi I’m not saying I won’t

I’m just so very so so sad
sad cuz he broke up with me
sad cuz he’s not feeling well, and I just want to support him, you know?
As friend
AND ARGGG

YogiMC1 – gisteren om 18:20
it will be ok dear

Stralend – gisteren om 18:27
D:

It wont Yogi

YogiMC1 – gisteren om 18:28
star ive been through this before -_-

Stralend – gisteren om 18:28
It took me 2 years to get over my crush lmao

YogiMC1 – gisteren om 18:28
im still not over mine

Stralend – gisteren om 18:28
I only got over it cuz I started talking more to Jay

He’s funny, great sense of humor, serious at the right times, he wants to listen, making me smile by just talking to me…
;-;

I just don;t know. Yes it’s true what I wrote to Yogi, but people don’t understand me. I don’t have the idea Yogi does. I know Coon does, Pengi does, even my sister does. And it’s frustrating. I know YOgi cares about me, I care about him as a friend. But Sometimes I just feel like all we do is smalltalk. 

On the bright side, I think I’ll just continue on my story right now. Maybe it will finally get on the ground, so I will maybe get more than 10 pages haha. 

Happiness……

Right now I’m not allowing myself to be sad. I did some good fun stuff today. As long as I’m busy it’s good. But when I’m not, it’s no good.

Even with rehearsel, it was too easy, my mind wandering. Yet I had fun with my dad and the cello player, the back of my mind was working non-stop. Nobody can see I’m sad. Mum never really could, hiding my feelings too good.

Striving to be happy. It’s the last thing I have left. The only thing that makes me me right now, I want to be happy.

Happy but to nog forget.
Care but to never let go.
It’s who I am, dieing from the inside.
Happy from the outside.
Seeing the world through the stars.
Imagining dreams that will be.
Thinking out loud to see, to feel again.
It’s impossible.
Yet nobody will know.

It’s what makes me me. Hiding my feelings all over again. Nobody can sense them. They shouldn’t be. Why would they. Every happiness for me, lives in my friends. In the rain dropping down on me, it will will strenghen me, it won’t kill me, it will sharpen me, it will not understand me. But it will be me.

So for now, I’ll show nobody. Who I am, Just my happy side, what I decided when Pengi dragged me out, what I would never do again. That I would be me. That what I decided 4-5 years ago. To not feel anything, always be happy. It’s impossible when you care for people. It’s what I want, but at the same time not.

I will support my friends everywhere, no matter where they are, or where I am. I’m going to be a true friend, a friend I want to have myself. Who I still have, someone who I can trust. But the trust has to be rebuild, yet I won’t let that person down. It’s my promise to me.

Never let that friend go, he’s amazing, you’re leaving conversations with a smile, you feel better by talking to him, he has this humor, and I think it’s amazing. Serious talk and just interesting talk, I don’t mind, or just for fun. Just never let go Star, do it for yourself. Make yourself happy.