Sister’s value

There reason why I value my sister’s opinion so much is not only because I love her. It’s because she is the person I love most in the world. I would trust her anything. More than anything actually. Yes, I want to live my own life, but I want her in it more than anyone else. I was really thinking of the fact, what would I do… What would I do if my sister would say the person I like is scary.

You see, my sister makes opinions about peoples when she sees them, she either says if they’re scary, or that it’s alright. If she says they’re scary it’s usually no good. She would not change her opinion easily and that would be bad for me.

For now, I’m just really happy that she said my friend wasn’t scary. I… I kind of was relieved. I was relieved for the fact she said he was ok. Expecially this friend. That would matter most to me. I mean, she did threw my friend off by asking how he looked like. But in the end he still shared a picture of himself. Even though I didn’t want to know Lisa how he looked like in the first place, because I was scared of her reaction.

The point is, this friend of mine, it’s just not “just a friend” is a very good and great friend. I will actually care a lot about what my sister says, but I want to go on with my friend. I want to know what she thinks, but at the same time I didn’t. It’s not really explanable, but I want my sisters permission that she tollerates my friends? I mean, yes I know she was on good terms with Jay, she liked him immediately as well. And I’m just glad she likes this person as well. I think that’s the most important thing for me.

 

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Change

This will be my last normal year. One year before everything changes. One year before I give up my freedom. Well not that drasticly but yeah.

I’m thrilled, excited and more. I have a head filed with happiness. I’m glad you’re on my side, you’ll pull me through.

Yet I fear one thing. Will I collapse under the fact you’re not here? Will I not remember your touch, yet I’ve never felt it before. I want you here and now. I want you on my side, but yet I have to to wait, another year.

I’ll find my true calling and I’ll show you my world. One year is too long, one year might kill me, one year might make me forget who I once was, and who you were.

I want you close. I want to touch you and I want to see, but above all feel.

What to do

I can’t handle this alone, this feeling inside. People bring it up again and again while I Just want to forget. They don’t seem to realise how much something like this can hurt. Something I forced to happen. Something I regret with my whole heart, but something I know it better for me, for now.

I can’t say that I am not hurt. I can’t say I am not alone. My poetry is been based on this one thing, my weeks have been pained, my days as well. But I know it is for the best. My mind dissagreeing with my heart. But common sense winning it in the end.

One thing, one time, and everything is gone. All I have left is your friendship, but I had so much more. I had, I gave and in the end I lost. It’s something I can’t forgive myself for, no matter how many times I try,

And I refuse to speak about it. I refuse to tell. I don’t want my friend hurt anymore. I don’t want to throw something in his word and let it collapse. That’s not how I am. That’s not how I want to be. I don’t want others to live in sorrow because of me. I don’t want them to experience the pain I already put them through once. I rather suffer on the inside.

One time, one time I’ll have to, I hope that day will never come, but one day I’ll explode. Since I can’t hold this in forever. I can’t see the end of the tunnel anymore and my world will turn dark. One time I see the world and tell, until I am done fighting.

Wake up or don’t wake

This last week.  I don’t know how to explain… I had so much fun with my friend but at the same time there was exam period for me. I don’t know if that’s the right combination.

Well, first about my exams. I know I definitely failed two of them.. But I already know I passed my complex number exam, and I Just hope I have also passed my geometry proving exam. I just want to know the grade already. Can you imagine, it’s such a pain to wait so long, even though I understand. I mean, teachers need time to check exams, and they have to discuss things about them sometimes as well.

But now my week. I definitely slept too less. I think my average sleep was around 4-5 hours a night. It was just too much fun. I mean, take last Tuesday on Wednesday night. Me and my friend stayed up till 4 am my time, so 3 am his time, just talking. It’s insane how fast time can go, but also how fun it can be with. And it wasn’t that we realised what we were doing. It was more talking and joking and such. Snapchatting and laughing about pictures or just different.

And then also memorable was the night from Friday on Saturday. I mean, I already got home late myself because I was seeing a movie with my best friend, and I got home around 23.40. Then I got a question “Wanna play league?” And I was up for it as well. So me and my friend basically played league till 3 am. First we just played with the two of us, and totally wreckt but still lost because our team members were so bad. The second and third game we actually got company from one of my friend’s friends. But we never actually moved our call to the server, so it was just the two of us in a call.

I must say that was quite nice, that his friend couldn’t join in our call. I mean, it’s not like I hate him or so, but sometimes it’s just enough. You don’t know how frustrated I sometimes get by just reading or even scrolling through the server. All the memes, they are so much. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s funny also, but when I’m just done with it, everything could be too much.

Then after we were done gaming, we just hanged out. At first I even said I’d only play one game, but it already ended up being 3. Then I decided I can stay up a little bit longer to talk, why not. That little bit ended up being till 6 am. I don’t even know why I didn’t go to sleep, I don’t remember half of the talk we had. It was as I was half asleep sometimes, but at the same time not.

Jay even noticed I wasn’t really talking that much, which I usually do. It’s like this, I usually don’t stop talking unless told to. But that time I was just so tired, that I just didn’t talk that much anymore. I told my friend that he should talk then. And it was only then I laughed because he’s not a talker but he realised that it was quite difficult to actually talk that much.

A while later we ended up Snapchatting again. And even though we usually have a conversation on Snapchat, that day it was just gone, we were just sending pictures to each other, and I was just laying down in bed while doing that.

At some point though, I got a Snap and I just couldn’t stop laughing. I literary put my head in my pillow for a bit so I wouldn’t make too much noise. I think what I could say about the picture was that it was a risky Snap from Jay’s side, and I even heard debating him in the call with himself and maybe sort of to me, whether he should or shouldn’t sent it. Yet I just never really gave a response to that.

A short amount of time later, I got like dam, I can’t even explain, that Snapchat, it was the.. I don’t know how to say it. I guess it was very risky, but at the same time I knew, I just knew he’d sent that at some point. Because that’s how he is. I guess first he was like you’re going to hate me when I sent this, but I told him, no I won’t. And it’s true, I don’t hate him, I mean, how can you love and hate someone at the same time, for me it’s impossible unless the person is called Coon, my bro.

But my reaction to that Snapchat. I just hide my face into my pillow and SaraBeer, my teddy bear. I was just laughing in my pillow for so long and I was just hiding in my blanket fortress because I don’t know, I really didn’t know what to do with it. I became so silent Jay even asked if I was alright at some point. Which I half laughing responded to, but I said I was hiding in my blanket fortress. On which Jay responded, “You are not gonna do that every time I sent you something like this, are you?”

That picture, it made me, I don’t even know, I guess it made me happy? Because I got shared something well.. something. Something I was actually curious about but something I’d NEVER ask for because well, yeah I’m still Star and a little bit innocent I guess. Well, more innocent than Jay is, ahaha.

But that Saturday, I just couldn’t focus my mind at all. Even with bringing around flyers, my mind was still to the conversation we had, referring to the last part. And yet, while I usually am daydreaming while bringing around the flyers, that was just a not-done that day, simply because my mind would make up the most stupid things, or picture that Snapchat again when I just closed my eyes.

Luckily Sunday I was actually able to concentrate and finish both two of my school projects. I still don’t know what to do with my fucked up mind though. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to think of it at all. Should I even think something about it. Or should I be honoured I got to face such thing. I really don’t know. But I guess it takes trust or whatever to send that. Maybe proudness, I don’t know, I really don’t….

Maybe sometimes I’ll know, sometimes whenever that might be. Sometimes when I am ready to know, or when I want to know, sometimes when it feels alright to actually think something about it. And to be completely honest, I just think back on it as a happy moment. I was having fun, and laughing so much, I don’t know. It’s not like I’d hate Jay ever. I don’t get why he’d even think I would. Simply because I love that silly person. (And my silly is something good J)

can’t break a broken heart

I was talking to my friend just ago, I have known him for around 3 years now, and he’s one other person I used to talk to a lot. We get in touch every now and then, and we play league together sometimes, but we mostly use league to get in touch and acutally talk. He asked me about my status today, and as I said long story, I was glad I could talk to him, I could get some things cropped inside me out. So my friend lets call him Deth, as he has a thing with dead and he’s fascinated about it.
(for what you should know about this conversation, it starts with a commend about my status which is: “can’t break a broken heart”)

Deth:
why do you have such an edgy quote on your status?
Me:
long story
Deth:
Wanna talk? Im here if you need it
Me:
neh I talked it out
Deth:
fair enough
Me:
comes down on boys are idiots
Deth:
umm
Me:
xD
Deth:
dafuq did I do? 😛
Me:
nothing
but basicly. there is a guy even more stupid than muddy\

(Muddy is one of our friends, I used to go out with him, which lasted around a year? we talked and talked and joked around and everything, yet he broke up with me because distance and we were never gonna meet anyways)

Deth:
dated him too?
Me:
aye most stupid reason “can’t have a relationship with you because I am not ready for one
LIKE WTH WHAT A BS
Deth:
how was the relationship before?
before he said that?
Me:
his was my bf for like 3-4 weeks then that
Deth:
oh, it wasnt too long then
but I mean
was it good? was everying ok during that time?
Me:
we had been fliritng ever since we got in touch better
so turning around each other for like 7 months?
Deth:
alright
that does sound pretty weird after all that he’d say he isnt ready
did the 3-4 weeks feel better or worse compared to that?
Me:
well he’s dealing with personal shit, and really those 3-4 weeks I was so super mega happy
Deth:
he was dealing with it during the weeks you were together?
Me:
yes
Deth:
do you think its possible he just needs time alone for a while?
Me:
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love him, still do I guess sorta, but I know I can’t hope for anything cuz that’s what he told me
Deth:
hm
Me:
And it’s just shit

Deth:
You said he just wasnt ready?
he might come back eventually and be willing to start again
Me:
Its his personal issue, I don’t know the reason, but he said he’d probarbly never be in a relationship again
I dont know
I said, I can wait
but he said you shouldn’t hope on that
Deth:
ouch
if he said that then
I feel like there may be more to it than that
theres more to it than what hes telling you
Me:
I KNOW THERE IS MORE THAN THAT
Yes
I know
I fucking know
and it kills me
cuz I know he doesn’t want to tell
Deth:
so thats the main problem
Me:
And I respect that
Deth:
do you want me to be bluntly honest?
Me:
go ahead
please
Deth:
I really feel that he said he wasnt ready to stop you from being as upset, he then said dont hope for it or w/e so you wont cling onto him, and that his real reason is either he just dosent love you
or he founds someone else
but again, I dont know him so I cant be certain
Me:
You know, that’s so funny, I know he loves me
cuz
he was crying when he told me we shouldn’t be in a relationship
Deth:
I feel like you shouldve mentioned that part a bit earlier…
Me:
sry XD
details
I’ve not told anyone that tbh
Deth:
thats fair enough
that does change a few things
Me:
As in?
Deth:
it could be that he feels terrible for breaking up with you for the reasons I mentioned
Me:
mmhm
Deth:
or
It could be a forced reason
you said there was personal shit too right?
Me:
yes
Deth:
Its possible hes being forced into breaking up with you
Me:
but then by who
Deth:
how old is he?
Me:
nearly 19
living in UK btw xd
I’ll be visiting him during summer
as friends
Deth:
cool
Me:
yeah
Deth:
Visit me too 😛
Me:
can;t
you know through how many shit I went
just to let my parents be fine with visiting
Deth:
fair enough
you know
we need to get a proper meet up with the marriland lot
Me:
lol
Deth:
thatd be great
Me:
xd
guy is from marr originally XD
Deth:
wait
who?
Me:
nope
personal information
I’m not sharing
Deth:
did I know him atleast?
Me:
not gonna anwser that either
Deth:
._.
Me:
anways why did you want to know his age
Deth:
well, I was thinking maybe it was a parent thing
but I guess not
Me:
neh
his mum is awesome
talked to her on the phone like like 2 min once
You know,
I just don;t know what to do with it
Deth:
If I were to put myself in his position…
Im in the position that you were in
or more so what he was in
Maybe he just wasnt ready for the long distance?
because trust me I find it painful
Me:
I guess, but
then again we snapchat like 24/7 xd
Deth:
youve got no one to hold and no one you can share things with
Me:
You can share things by voice call, you can feel the emotion over that,
But I guess
looking at it from your perspective
Deth:
not anything physical
Me:
that’s a boy thing
Deth:
and thats only half of it
half of the whole relationship thing I mean
Me:
Go on
yeah
Deth:
because really
we all fell in love with some pixels or some sound coming out of our speakers
theres a person on the otherside but we cant experience it fully

Me:
You know you’re really depressing right now
Deth:
Im depressing myself trying to talk about this
Me:
I can imagine
Deth:
because im going through all my thoughts with you
Me:
Thank you
Deth:
this is how I feel about my own relationship
and I feel like it can apply to your’s too
Me:
Then go visit your gf
Deth:
Japan…
Me:
I guess so
rip
at least the UK is close
Deth:
funny thing though
I call her Kat for short too 😛
Me:
LMAO
Deth:
just an odd coincidence
Me:
what’s wrong with you
xd
I guess, only 4 months till I will see my friend
Deth:
I have a while ago
she’s visitng me eventually
Me:
That’s awesome
Deth:
but theres the saving up part
Me:
yup

Deth:
anyway, my guess for you
Me:
I got my parents so far they pay for my travelling
🙂
Deth:
I think itll get better once you meet up with him in person
Me:
I really don’t know
I really really don’t
I wish I did
Deth: (about his gf)
Because the one thing I want to truly make me happy
is to actually be with her
and I cant be until that happens
Me:
aww
Yeah
Deth
you still talk to him?
Me:
Except the fact I get my joy and happiness from small stuff
I never stopped talking to him
I was mad yeah
for sure
Deth:
good, dont
Me:
but
I will never
He’s one of the best friends I currently have
Deth: (about his gf)
something that happened
with me
I broke up with Kat for a bit because of the reasons I just said and that it pained me to get too attatched to her
but then I realised I needed her
Me: (about my friend)
And although we might not talk every day I still love him, I enjoy the conversations we have so much, I can talk to him about funny stuf, but also about the shit I’m going through myself. And that
it what makes me most happy. Being able to talk to him every time I would want to
Deth:
yea, thats what makes it nice
just make sure you dont lose him
Me:
I know he’d respond, whether it takes 1 minute of 2h cuz anime
I’m not planning to
But sometimes I just can’t handle it
Then I just sit by myself hugging by teddybear
Deth:
yea I get that
Me:
It’s depressing
Every time I find something I long for, it gets taken away from me
Deth:
Im like you in a way, and possibly like him in others
Me:
Who knows
Deth:
as long as it dosent turn out to be a dude, I think ive found the person im looking for
I dont expect it to be tho
Me:
that’s awesome
I wish I could say the same
It’s so much annoying though >C
I’m already dealing with personal shit, and then dealing with this on top of that
While I’m supposed to study and pass exams and look fine for the outside world.
………..
Skipped a part here because it’s irrelevant. 

Deth:

Anyways
You talking to him now?
Me:
He’s at work
Deth:
Ah
Me:
we snapchat back and forth during the day tho
Deth:
Let’s learn about eachothers people 😛
Me:
😛
Deth:
So yeaa
What’s he like? 😛
Me: (about my friend)
He’s funny
has a good sense of humor
loves anime
But
Even though you can joke around with him
he’s serious on the right times
He listens to you
he gives me advise over things I strugge with
Deth:
That’s fair enough
Me:
I doesn’t tells me to shut up, even though I talk quite a lot
*sigh*
Deth:
That’s a first probably :p
Does he play league?
Me:
a first what?
aye
Deth
When do I meet him? 😛
17:37
~Skipped a part about him talking about his gf~
Deth:
She treated me much nicer than most
We started talking more and more
And here we are sexting on a daily basis :p
Me:
lmao
~Skipped a part here~
Me: (about the sexting)
haha dw about it
me and him did a sorta like thing XD
Deth:
I’m definitely not someone who can judge xD
Me:
XD
GOOD
Deth:
Send nudes? 😛
Me:
lmao
Deth:
I mean did one of you?
Idek
I tried asking for them but got rejected af
Me:
LMAO
Poor you
Deth:
Yea :c
Me:
lucky me
very much lucky me
Deth:
Wait you got nudes?
Me:
XD
Deth:
Wow
Lucky you

So basicly, this conversation today, it made me sad, I mean, what my friend suggested it made sense? Well in the context it did. But I am certain that my friend told me the truth no doubt about it. But hearing my friend say this made me doubt and I just sort of found peace with myself because of it? I don’t know what to do with it anymore…
I guess my mind is lost, forever or never I don;t know at all..

Only time will tell, please tell me am I right, am I supposed to have faith, since I have or am I just stupid and is Deth right, I’m having faith in my Brittish friend (mentioned as friend in the above) I don’t know what to do with it, I can’t keep it out my mind, it’s bothering me and I don;t know…..

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