It’s been a while

Hello, I’ve been thinking quite a lot about how my life will go on. Will I ever find a real purpose in live to strive forward and just do stuff from things I know and things I don’t wanna know at all. I know that I will be striving forward forever and I decided that I don’t mind. That is just what makes who I am. I mean, people see me as a nice person, someone who takes care of others, they just think I’m awesome. I don’t really know why but I am happy that people see me like that.

You know that I only just met Zech a year ago. It seems so long. I dunno but I am very grateful to still have him as friend. I mean he’s great to talk to or just to joke around with. He’s also the one of my foreign friends I talk with almost every day. I don’t know why but I know I really enjoy whatsapping with him and I hope our friendship will continue for a long while.

It’s just great to talk to him. He sees some things from another side then I do and it is amazing what he knows and such. I would call him smart but he would probarbly never agree with that. But that’s not all I think about him. There’s way more but I’ll keep that for myself.

New friends
I also met some new friends. It are not much but I’m satistied about the ones I made. They all have one thing in common and that is a game online called League of Legends. I really like my new friend Coon, he acts like a jerk most of the time but he really is amazing allthough he doesn’t really realise that! I mean he’s a meaniehead first class but still amazing. I dunno why but I have the feeling I can trust him.

Next to him you also have a duo from Germany, lol I know that I play on the North American server because of Pengi but yup German people. Jiggy and Kiri are soo different from each other that they could be each others opposite. Kiri is the nice one and Jiggy is a bit a meanie head but not at worse as it may sound. I would trust Kiri more then Jiggy just because I have the feeling I can trust him.

Pengi ❤
My last and best friend is still Pengi of course. I wouldn’t know how it would be without here. I would say that I really love how she is, just someone who looks after me and is fun to talk to. I would ask her about serious stuff but also just joke around with her. I know I’m special to her and so is she to me. She’s amazing and I don’t ever want to lose her. My plan is to someday visit her and see her in real life. It’s a dream but I am pretty sure that it will come true. Just because I’ll make it come true. That’s all what I need to know and need to hold on to forever.

Good bye for now, see you next time!



So I realised why I am always happy…..

So I found out that when I tried to cheer up Kaas one of my newest friends he didn’t actually want to talk to me… But I heard from someone that already had cheered him up before that he actually is depressed. I did thought a little bit about that but I never would have excpected it..

So that did me realise that I am actually always happy because one time I dunno when it was I think I decided I never wanted to be depressed or not happy again. I think I decided that unconsious but since then I am always happy  or at least I try to. I also tried to forgot the things that made me unhappy and if I now try to think about it I dunno anymore about what is what. It is like almost all the memories from my childhood disapeared… I don’t know if I need to be proud of that. I mean there are still my memories and such but I hate them. I just don’t want to know about anything or anyone from that time.. It just doesn’t make me feel well about it.

I wished back then that I was just able to disaprear but I couldn’t. I think I still want that sometimes. Like to run away from home or something. But I know I can’t do it because then I will hurt a lot of my friends on the other side of the world. I mean what should I tell them? I can’t disapear like in a sec… And never return. So I just keep it up and look happy although I am not always happy.

Actually the only thing why I stay home is because of my friends in America and all my friends from Marriland. I realised that and I came back to last week. I just was not able to leave them like that. I saw all those post from nooo Star don’t leave you may not leave. I returned to never leave again.

I also found out that I only live for being nice to people. I cannot be not nice to people that is just not how I am. I will never be able to be not nice to people. Or actually I am able to when I am pissed off or very angry. But luckily that doesn’t happen that much. Like almost never.

I actually get power and strenght for being nice to people. I don’t know how it works though. I will probarbly never although I want to..


Should I be feeling like a jerk?

So I have been on this website for a while now. Actually I have been there more then a year. It’s called Marriland. I don’t know if you ever heard of it but it is a big community about pokemon. There are a huge amount of members and they are all very nice people. I used to stick around the trade forums a lot when I recently joined. The generation 5 trade forums where the only reason that I joined actually. I wanted to complete the national pokedex and maybe learn something more about pokemon.

There was this other member. He was from Belguim TooMuchImigation(TMI) if I recall correctly. We became friends and he joined a little bit early then me. He showed me other places then the trade forums. Or actually I need to say I followed him to the club forums. There I joined the same club as him The Dark Moonlight(DM). It was an amazing club and I met more members over there. I still chat to the members I met there over skype. One of them “SlyPenguin” is now one of the people that kinda nows me the best. Lately before I left I asked him how he thinks about me. What he told me actually fit my character if you ask me.

Then there was “Pokemonuser2013” he was the leader of DM. An awesome bnoy if you ask me but sometimes I think he just don’t know what he is doing. That also probarbly is the reason that Sly kicked him out of the skype chat we have. (More about that later). He tried to make another version of DM when we closed and such. It didn’t become a succes like the first one. That he closed because there was not enough accitvity. I kinda felt bad that he closed it but I understand. I made great friends there and that is all that matters right :D.

When the DM closed I needed another club. I already had taken Sly his offer and joined his club Team Aqua (TA) too. There was and still is a limit to how many clubs you was able to join. I saw TMI joining Legandary Realm (LR) so I joined too. I think if I look back now that I kinda followed TMI a little bit cause he was my 1st friend after all. I think joining LR and TA was one of the best things I ever did. I still was a little bit say and not very active but well yeah it was going to change.

Why I became more active
I think I was never that active cause I liked my class in 3th year of highschool very much. In the first two year of high school the childeren in my class were bullying me a lot. I learned in my last year of primary school to actually ignore bullying but it was very difficult back then. Now, I learned how to not listen to all those nasty comments. If I look back now I think I did just all I could do. I just got the best out of who I really am. That comes with a little complications altough. I don’t really “feel” something, you know. I just do things cause I think they need to be done and I try to be nice to everyone.

But back to Marriland now. So I joined LR and TA and I started to become more active. I don’t know why. Or actually I do. I think I can give two reasons for it. The first one is that I got more familiar with the forums and the people that are the members. I really liked it that I was able to meet people all around the world that were pokemon fans just like me. In my own neighbourhood I kinda lost contact with them. That was because they were boys and such and liked all other things and also went to another highschool then me.

The other reason that I become more active was that I didn’t like our class to much. I mean it was a great class but yeah… After spending almost the 3/4 of the 3th year of highschool with them I kinda lost interrest. I still was nice and such but me and my friend who where sepparated from my other friend did all things together. I didn’t have any effort in being in a class with new people that I didn’t really know. I know them a little now but I never saw them as my friends and I never will  see them like my friends. I still see them around altough. We don’t really chat or something but some of them are in my chemistry class.

Legandary Realm
Back to LR. I really met nice people there. One of the best friends I met there probarbly would be “Lilchupz”. She just is amazing. There is no other way to describe that. Back then she used to RNG and make giveaways a lot more then now. She had a huge amount of shiny pokemon and she RNGed a lot of pokemon for her friends. She really liked to do that. Or to give pokemon away. I always appriaciated it if she got another giveaway.

The leader Aqua is also amazing. She is not that active but active enough to run this club actually. She is like one of the best leaders I ever met. She isn’t that strict with the rules and let people be who they are. Together we made a lot of fun. We almost reached Version 5 of our club thread and that is just amazing :D. I may have been away from being in the club for being in another club but you guys are the best!!!

I also made a lot of fun with the other members of LR but there were to many to all write about. Then the bad day in history TMI left the forums. I think he kinda forgot about it after holiday. We had a lot in common so it was sad he left. Although I understood why he left. He returned like much time later when I got more and more familiar with all kind of parts with the forums. Nowdays I even am well known and people respect me for who I am and that I am such nice to people.

But I talked to TMI about why he left and he told me that he left because he didn’t want to know a thing about the new pokemon games that were tolded to be comming. Since he finally got the game he came back and see how things were going on marr. He also was supprised that stick aroud on the forums for this long time.

Team Aqua
Then now Team Aqua(TA), This club is just amazing. I was not too familiar with all members when I left but I returned when the Dark Moonlight was closed by Pokemonuser2013 again because it wasn’t active enough, again… So I rejoined TA after trying to make my own club. That failed horrible but with my club Blue Bear I made a lot new friends and also lost a few. Anyway rejoining TA was the best decicion ever. I made the club more active. I almost had 2 post on every page. And then I found out they had a skype chat :OOOOOO. I kinda remembered my that I had a version on skype on my laptop and I had a skype account that actually is my accout from microsoft. I used that one till MSN went offline. The club still was amazing. They reached V2 and I was proud of being a member again. I met lot of my old friends there again and also made a lot of new ones. I just knew I made the right decicion for joining TA again.

I joined the skype chat and wait since when was my very good friend Torchick in the skype chat. I talked to her in LR much and now she was in the skype chat too it seemed. We became closer friends because of the chat, for that I actually should thanks Sly most. We nowdays talk about a lot of random stuff like she calls it. She knows soo much and she is not affraid to help others or to get helped. That is just what makes her to an amazing person. She will be there for you if you really need her and she will try to do what she can to help you. 🙂

Well the other person I met in the chat was Pengi. She has gone through a lot of shit also and she don’t want to talk to her what I do understand. She is able to show me the things that I don’t see in the talks we have. I can make her something clear without telling and still telling her. Or atleast that is how it feels for me. She just kinda has something that makes me trust her. Although she is almost 10 years older then me. When we found that out we kinda laughed at it. She just is a very good friend.

I don’t know what to tell about you. You are on the other side like someone that always is funny and can’t be serious. But you do care about people. Like all people you know welll. You and Pengi are considered to be the “Mum” (Pengi) and “Dad” from TA. You really care about me. We are really close and you are like one of the people I will trust most if I really must.

Skype chat
There are a lot of other other people in the chat. I have seen a lot of members of it coming and leaving. Considering me one of them. Zedark stayed no matter how inactive he was. I like that additude. He is good to talk with if no one else is around/ I always used to  be one of the people that kept the chat alive. Since almost everyone is in America from the chat I always had a lot of missed messages when I woke up. Sometimes it’s kinda funny to see those people messaging.

Lately there are added a lot of people to the chat. Lilchupz and Aqua are both added to. It’s amazing to see how many friends I got cause of the forums and cause of skype.  There also was added this one guys a while ago. His skypename is Zechpw. I first didn’t want to talk to him I remember. I am still shay.. But then after a while we finally started talking. We just talk about regular things and that is what I need. I really need common sense.

Soo why I am a jerk
I really feel bad I left Marrilnad altough. I know I did it for myself and I kinda hate myself for it. I know people have been like STAR NOOOOO come back but I need time to get my irl on the rails agian and such.
I will not forget them cause I can not because of skype and my pokemon games. But I have made my final post and it will be there. I although hope to get my in real life back on the rails in less then 2 months. I can’t make a promise although. But I know I will check Marriland everyday and that need to change. I may not do things on the computer before even thinking of what kinds of things I have to do irl. I will still hate myself about it but I hope to get a better sleep. I can for no reason wake up in the night because I am thinking about something. The whole problem is that I don’t know where I am thinking about then.. I just think about something subconsious. I need to change that. Here is the post I made in the official post en return thread on Marriland. I also quit the skype chat -I will hate myself even more for that…- But I know I need to do it. Otherwise how can I learn to sense emotions agian?

Hello everyone,
I have decided to take my leave from the forums. I don’t want to leave but I know I must. I need to face my problems in real life. I need to get my life back on the rails and return to the issues there. I will be gone till I can come back again.I do want to guys to know that Marriland really helped me to see things and to handle thing irl. But now I will need to fix it myself. I will never forget you guys.

To Legandary Realm I want to say that I have had a great time with you guys. If there ever is going to be a skype chat Aqua or Chuppy are able to find me. I wish you guys all luck and a good way to V6. I know you guys are able to do it!

To Blue Moon members be sure to listen to Awais(Poketrainer09) carefully . I know you guys can make it to a great version of the club.

To Awais I wish you all best. I know you can do it. I just know that. If you ever need help you know where to find me I think. I think you are a great leader :D.

Then to all my friends all over the forums. Thank you for this nice home I found here. You are all very kind people and all AWESOME!! You guys need to remember that.

As last if you guys really want to talk to me you are able to find me on skype. There are a lot of people over here that know my skype name. Just go digging and you will find me. Or look for live:shine-konijn since I believe that is my skype name.

For now I shall take my leave. I don’t know when I will return. I will see. And you guys will see me.

Greeting Star~

Sadness go out of my mind

You know. Always when my sis tells my mum what had happened on school it is bad news. It never is good news. She only tells the bad news. I am not the one that is going to be hurt by hearing those stories. I know her friends a little bit and with who she has problems and I know a lot has been happening to her lately but I don’t want to get hurt because of it. Can I not hear it or something. I wish I just could vanish sometimes so that I don’t need to hear that.

Today I fled to my own room because I didn’t want to hear anymore. I am curious how it ended actually but it only would make me more sad if I knew. I was reading while sitting on the caugh in the afternoon but when my sis I think was on the half of her story maybe even further I just wan’t able to listen more. My mum doesn’t even know that I bother with it that much and I actually want her to know how I feel about hearing all those stories.

Most of the times I am the first one that hears them because I am almost always home when my sis returns from school. I have my own issues to you know but I just bother with them and let them float in my mind or don’t to a thing with them. My sis needs to tell everything times and times again before she can let them go. I know it takes a lot of practise to just let everything you don;t wanna know go away from your mind but don’t tell everything to me that will only makes me more sad.

I do want to help her. I want her to be happy and not to be like grrrrr I had a bad day so now I am sad or something. But I just don’t know how to help her and I do wanna help her… 😦



The snow blows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like the swirling sto

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
rm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Be the good girl
You always had to be
Conceal, don’t feel
Don’t let them know
Well, now they know

This it the first verse of the song Let it go from the movie Frozen. The song is about letting something go. I really like the song and I think it has an hidden message in it. It want you to let yourself free and that there are no rules. I think the song had tought me a lot about how you can let things that hurt me much go and not to foget them but to keep them as a good memory instead of all worse things that had been happened then.

I am able to look back now without thinking why was it that way and such. The song is just peachfull and it gave me a good support to do things the way I want it.