I won’t stop caring no matter what

When it doesn’t matter anymore what the rain thinks.
The rain, my feelings, they are mine, killing them is a mistake.

Everytime I get close to the rain, and into a storm, someone kills my happiness.
Why am I supposed to be like that. The rain kills me. It kills me dreaming on, being sunny.

Weather is great. But somehow I’m scared of the rain. The rain is me, am I the rain.
It’s not like I can do anything withour rain. Rain has always been my faith, my live.

Think about it like this, rain hurts, but then again sun hurts more. Rain is who I am. Sun makes me smile.
Rain makes me sad, feel hurt, and hit myself against a wall.

But then reality. People will hear me. Even my sadness won’t be mine anymore. And that’s the one thing I have left.
The rain kills me, denies me all my happiness, as it has always been.

Because, apperently nothing is what it seems. My happiness isn’t supposed to me. I’m me no matter what.
I can talk, I can speak up for myself. Except I won’t. I understand I listen.

It’s who I am,
It’s what made me me. Having the skills to hide the rain inside me. To fade away.

I’m not allowed to be. Happy with these things. Happy with what I get.
What if I just want to have someone I can count on. Deciding what makes me feel so me.

Happiness is what you create yourself apperently. I can’t just say hey lets be friends. I don’t want to say that. I want to let the rain drip on me. I want to see what I see. I want to feel what I feel. I want to be who I am. I want to be me.
I don’t need the attention. I just want to be happy. But I can’t. My happiness gets destroyed every time, again and again. Over and over.
Fighting doesn’t help. Fleeing doesn’t. Can’t I just not feel the rain on my skin anymore. But it’s impossible.

Every time I have luck, I have faith. It gets destroyed. yet I still carry on. I do what I want. I let it be like I don’t care about the world.
Can I just be me. Can I just save my heart. Can I just.. CAN I JUST BE SOMEONE.
I am not the person I am. I am outgoing because I need to. How am I supposed to finish uni otherwise.
I am not the girl loving music, music loves me, it makes me calm no more rest.
I am not the person I am. I am the person I don’t want to be.
I am not the person you can let down forever.
I am not the person you want me to be. Just because I am me.

Deep down there was finally someone who loved me. A friend, so what. That friend made my days reliable. Gave me a smile on my face.
It’s as the exact thing I have the feeling that happened to me and a friend. I relied on him, I could talk to him, but I made one mistake and it’s gone.
Can’t you see. The rain comes always back to me. I am not allowed to be happy anymore. I can’t change things, I JUST WANT TO HELP.
Let me help you. Let me be with you. As friends, I’m fine with that, but don’t think you’ll ever get rid of me.

Friend is something irriplaceble. If I like you, if I want to be your friend. I won’t ever let you go. I will stuck with you to the very end.
Friend means something. It’s something big, unexplanable like the rain. I can’t see without it. I can’t live without the rain.
Friend is forever. It’s in my heart, it’s in my soul. It’s everywhere I don’t want to go, it’s inside me forever.

Never forgotten, always in my heart. Every friend is special.

The urge to help friends, that’s what drives me. I live for their happiness, that’s the only reason why I am happy.
The urge is stonger than me. I can’t control it. If I want to be happy, I will do everything to make my friend happy.

Losing doesn’t matter. It’s what I gain from the conversations, it’s who I am.
Talking to friends makes me what I am. Who I am right now, who I want to be.
I won’t shut out, my memory will never end. I am the forever lasting one.
Enduring the pain, from years ago to now, I won’t forget it. I just chose to ignore.
I am me.
Walking to the other side, talking sharing thoughts, ejoying company, it’s what friends do.

The bad times don’t leave you alone. It’s what reveals who a true friend is and who isn’t.
Remember, when I decided to trust you, I made a choice to put all away my fears and find a friend.
Telling you about I’m being bullied, nobody knows, nobody says, everyone saw.

Destroyed my faith in school, in the school system.
Yet I still want to become a teacher, maybe. If after 10 years I won’t like it.
I know I’ve lived my dreams. I have felt the pain and destruction of a class full 13-15 year-olds.
It’s who I am. It doesn’t matter. I’ll travel the world anyway. Alone, nobody I know loves to travel as much as I do.

So, the important part, letting my feelings flow, it happens, it happened. And I don’t care. NOT TRUE SARA YOU CARE MORE THAN YOU SAY.
But I am the one controlling the rain. Feeling are like the weather. It’s controlable, if you know how.

No, I won’t stop caring. Even though, yes I know how much I have to give. And how little I want back.
All I want is someone to really listen to me. Really seeing what is going on in my head.
All I want is that one person, telling me I’m not weird, I’m a normal person.
All I want is to be free.

So the main point, Jay, I won’t stop caring. I won’t show it anymore, less, you’re my friend. I will do what I need to do.
Even though, we’re probarbly not on the same line, will that happen. I experience everything different. Because I don’t live for my own hapiness, but for others.
Let me cheer you up when you feel bad.
Let me be there when you need a hug.
Let me show you the sun, what the sun really is.
Let me gift you a wonderful thing called happiness.
Let me at least be your friend, and care for you like I do for all my friends, and maybe a little more.

Yet I respect you, what you think, the big “why”.
One chunck of advise though. Don’t shut the people who love you out. They are here to help.
Even if you don’t want help. Don’t let the persons who love you feel like they can’t do anything for you.
I’ve seen it with my mum, with the family. I can’t help mum, and it nearly killed me from the inside.
Seeing her suffer so much, suffer from the inside, it was unbearable. 8 year old me, not able to do anything to help mum. I won’t let that happen to any of my friends, because I’ve been there myself. I’ve yes, just like my sister, thought of suicide, of just running away…
But Marriland, actually mostly Pengi, she made me realise what was worth living for. Friends that care for me, enjoy my company I can spend time with them.

That’s all that matters for me now. Pengi doesn’t know, but she dragged me out of my hole. My hole of selfprotection.
I shouldn’t care for anyone. They will kill me. Looking back on it, it sounds like it was nothing but it was a lot.
Without her, I’d be nothing, nothing to compared what I am now. She doesn’t know. She will never know.
But I want you to understand. Yes, life sucks sometimes. But for me, those friends make it worth living the hell I go through a lot.


One thought on “I won’t stop caring no matter what

  1. Please, I used the word rain to desribe feelings in the beginning. Remember that.
    It was the only way to talk about it. To get it out my mind~

    Liked by 1 person

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