Right now I’m not allowing myself to be sad. I did some good fun stuff today. As long as I’m busy it’s good. But when I’m not, it’s no good.

Even with rehearsel, it was too easy, my mind wandering. Yet I had fun with my dad and the cello player, the back of my mind was working non-stop. Nobody can see I’m sad. Mum never really could, hiding my feelings too good.

Striving to be happy. It’s the last thing I have left. The only thing that makes me me right now, I want to be happy.

Happy but to nog forget.
Care but to never let go.
It’s who I am, dieing from the inside.
Happy from the outside.
Seeing the world through the stars.
Imagining dreams that will be.
Thinking out loud to see, to feel again.
It’s impossible.
Yet nobody will know.

It’s what makes me me. Hiding my feelings all over again. Nobody can sense them. They shouldn’t be. Why would they. Every happiness for me, lives in my friends. In the rain dropping down on me, it will will strenghen me, it won’t kill me, it will sharpen me, it will not understand me. But it will be me.

So for now, I’ll show nobody. Who I am, Just my happy side, what I decided when Pengi dragged me out, what I would never do again. That I would be me. That what I decided 4-5 years ago. To not feel anything, always be happy. It’s impossible when you care for people. It’s what I want, but at the same time not.

I will support my friends everywhere, no matter where they are, or where I am. I’m going to be a true friend, a friend I want to have myself. Who I still have, someone who I can trust. But the trust has to be rebuild, yet I won’t let that person down. It’s my promise to me.

Never let that friend go, he’s amazing, you’re leaving conversations with a smile, you feel better by talking to him, he has this humor, and I think it’s amazing. Serious talk and just interesting talk, I don’t mind, or just for fun. Just never let go Star, do it for yourself. Make yourself happy.


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