So I found out that when I tried to cheer up Kaas one of my newest friends he didn’t actually want to talk to me… But I heard from someone that already had cheered him up before that he actually is depressed. I did thought a little bit about that but I never would have excpected it..
So that did me realise that I am actually always happy because one time I dunno when it was I think I decided I never wanted to be depressed or not happy again. I think I decided that unconsious but since then I am always happy or at least I try to. I also tried to forgot the things that made me unhappy and if I now try to think about it I dunno anymore about what is what. It is like almost all the memories from my childhood disapeared… I don’t know if I need to be proud of that. I mean there are still my memories and such but I hate them. I just don’t want to know about anything or anyone from that time.. It just doesn’t make me feel well about it.
I wished back then that I was just able to disaprear but I couldn’t. I think I still want that sometimes. Like to run away from home or something. But I know I can’t do it because then I will hurt a lot of my friends on the other side of the world. I mean what should I tell them? I can’t disapear like in a sec… And never return. So I just keep it up and look happy although I am not always happy.
Actually the only thing why I stay home is because of my friends in America and all my friends from Marriland. I realised that and I came back to Marriland.com last week. I just was not able to leave them like that. I saw all those post from nooo Star don’t leave you may not leave. I returned to never leave again.
I also found out that I only live for being nice to people. I cannot be not nice to people that is just not how I am. I will never be able to be not nice to people. Or actually I am able to when I am pissed off or very angry. But luckily that doesn’t happen that much. Like almost never.
I actually get power and strenght for being nice to people. I don’t know how it works though. I will probarbly never although I want to..